Recovery is the hardest obstacle for me. I start to gain a little weight then I relapse..over and over and over again. I picked up a nasty habit of smoking over the summer, smoking cigarettes.. It helps keep the weight off. I started to become a little healthy again recently and my cousin just decided to go down the same road I did. What she doesn’t understand is that it’s not a choice.. It’s my life and she triggered my ED.
This is by far the worst relapse yet, I know that what I’m doing is wrong but my body is winning. What I think doesn’t matter. My eating disorder has control over me. It’s this constant little voice in my head that keeps telling me I’m fat and worthless. For the first time ever.. I really want help. I want to receive help from my doctor, but I know it’s not going to happen my ED won’t let it happen.